The question of whether heterosexual men and women can have purely platonic friendships has been a topic of intense debate, causing awkward family dinners, inspiring lurid literature, and creating memorable movie moments. While daily experience suggests that non-romantic relationships between the genders are common and possible, there is a lingering suspicion that this is just a facade, hiding underlying sexual impulses.
Recent research has delved into the feasibility of opposite-sex friendships without any romantic undertones. To do this, 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends were brought into a science lab, where privacy was emphasized to prevent any fallout that might arise if one friend harbored unrequited romantic feelings for the other. To ensure honest responses, the researchers used standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, and the friends agreed verbally, in front of each other, to not discuss the study after leaving the lab. Each member of each pair was then separated and asked a series of questions about their romantic feelings (or lack thereof) towards their friend in the study.
The study’s findings indicate significant gender disparities in how men and women perceive opposite-sex friendships. Men tend to be more attracted to their female friends than the other way around. Moreover, men are more likely than women to believe that their opposite-sex friends are attracted to them, which is a mistaken assumption. In reality, men’s perception of their attractiveness to their female friends has little correlation with the women’s actual feelings and more to do with the men’s own feelings. Essentially, men assume that any romantic attraction they feel is mutual, and they are oblivious to the true level of interest their female friends have. Women, too, are ignorant of their opposite-sex friends’ mindset, as they typically do not have any romantic interest in their male friends and assume this lack of attraction is mutual.
As a result, men tend to overestimate their female friends’ level of attraction, while women underestimate the level of attraction felt by their male friends. Furthermore, men are more likely to act on their mistakenly perceived mutual attraction, while women are more sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and are not interested in pursuing those who are already involved with someone else.
The study’s results indicate that men have a harder time than women being “just friends.” Interestingly, these results were found within specific friendships, indicating that two people can experience the same relationship in drastically different ways. While men see many opportunities for romance in their opposite-sex friendships, the women in these relationships have a more platonic orientation.
These disparate views about the potential for romance in opposite-sex friendships could cause significant problems, as confirmed by a follow-up study that asked adults to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a member of the opposite sex. Romantic attraction was listed five times more often as a negative aspect than as a positive one. However, men and women differ in their views here as well, with men more likely than women to see romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships. This difference is even more pronounced in older men.
Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have very different ideas about what it means to be “just friends,” and these differences can lead to complications. While women genuinely believe that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to suppress their desire for something more. Despite both genders agreeing that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, men are less likely to hold this view than women.
Is it possible for men and women to maintain a platonic friendship? If we adopt a mindset similar to that of women, the answer is likely yes. However, if we adopt a mindset similar to that of men, we might be confronted with a severe overpopulation crisis.